JS News: 12 Oct 2022

By Andy Gordon - Deputy Principal, Head of Junior School

I want to begin with some lyrics from one of my Top 20 favourite musicals – You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown. The song is “Happiness”. It goes…

• Happiness is, finding a pencil, pizza with sausage, telling the time.
• Happiness is, learning to whistle, tying your shoe for the very first time.
• Happiness is playing the drum in your own school band, happiness is walking hand in hand.

The song goes on as Snoopy, Linus, Schroeder, Sally and Charlie Brown interchange parts and happiness thoughts.

This raises a lot of questions: what is happiness? Is there a general answer, or is it individual? What does it mean to be happy at home; at school; in our recreation? In our relationships? Is happiness the absence of negative emotions or feelings? How do we talk about happiness with our students?

It is hard to talk about happiness without talking about what we do with negative or uncomfortable feelings and emotions. Russ Harris, in his book, The Happiness Trap, explores two questions which I want to look at this week.

Firstly, he asks a question I posed earlier: is happiness the absence of negative feelings or emotions? Russ writes, “…although life experiences often bring feelings of excitement and enthusiasm, they also generally bring stress, fear and anxiety…. It is pretty well impossible to create a better life if you’re not prepared to have some uncomfortable feelings.”

Secondly, he asks should we be able to control what we think and feel? Russ goes on to answer, “…we have much less control over our thoughts and feelings than we would like. It’s not that we have no control…. we do have a huge amount of control over our actions. And it’s through taking action that we create a rich, full and meaningful life.

I would like to suggest, as a premise, that when we speak with our children, we encourage them to become active in observing their thoughts. Thoughts are just that, they are thoughts.

• Thoughts are merely sounds, words, stories or bits of language.
• Thoughts may or may not be true; we don’t automatically believe them.
• Thoughts may or may not be important; we pay attention only if they are helpful.
• Thoughts are definitely not orders; we certainly don’t obey them.
• Thoughts may or may not be wise; we don’t automatically follow their advice.

I like to use the language with our students of, “are our thoughts or actions helpful or unhelpful, either for ourselves or others?” Russ Harris writes, “Whether a thought is truthful is not that important. Far more important is whether it’s helpful.”

Some questions that you can use with your children when they are struggling with thoughts that they have about their school work, their friendships or their family relationships, could involve:

• Is this thought useful or helpful?
• Is this an odd thought? Have I heard this one before? Do I gain anything useful from listening to it again?
• Does this thought help me to take effective action to improve my life?
• What do I get from believing this thought?
• Does it help me to be the person I want to be?
• Does it help me build the sort of relationships I’d like?
• Does it help connect with what I truly value?
• Does it help me to make the most of my life as it is in this moment?

I believe that by having a consistent process with our students, we can equip and empower them to have a healthy process for navigating their way through negative or unhelpful feelings and emotions. When we identify thoughts that need action, we can do so with a clear and purposeful mind, that has had the heat of the emotions managed, so that we are dealing with and responding to the facts, and not reacting to the uncomfortableness of the feelings.

Why is this important? With all our life experience, as adults, we can struggle to observe and identify our thoughts as a means to managing ourselves and our emotions. So how much more important and crucial is it for us to equip our students, with far less life experience, to have tools and thinking patterns that they can rely on?

Charlie Brown finishes with, “For happiness is anyone and anything at all, that’s loved by you.”

References:
Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap: How to stop struggling and start living. Boston, MA: Trumpeter.

You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown, 1967 musical with music and lyrics by Clark Gesner. Image from playbillstore.com