Importance of spirit
By Andy Gordon - Deputy Principal, Head of Junior School
We acknowledge that in a space in which we are aiming to grow our graduates into healthy, knowledgeable, and balanced adults, it is important we look for progress, not perfection.
As a parent, building a healthy relationship with a child is a never-ending process - not even ending when the young person becomes an adult. There are good days and there are bad days. However, as progress is our goal, we don’t have to wait for an obscure finale. We can count every second of understanding gleaned, every power struggle fizzled, and every hug held tight as a success. We can be kind to ourselves, rejoicing in moments of peace and hours of ‘parenting greatness’, even if the entire day is not perfection. We can forgive ourselves for the times we huff in frustration and recognise that we are human. Progress takes time; changing attitudes, strengthening skills, and learning new habits don’t happen quickly. That’s why we need to count each success.
I recently recalled Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s book, Raising Your Spirited Child. The book explores the importance of understanding your child’s personality. Chapters cover introverts, extroverts, intensity, sensitivity, adaptability, perceptiveness, persistence, resilience, mood, first reaction, and energy.
Mary writes on page 30, “Webster’s Dictionary defines spirited as: lively, creative, keen, eager, full of energy and courage, and having a strong, assertive personality. Spirited - it feels good, sounds good, communicates the exciting potential of children, and yet honestly captures the challenges faced by parents. When we choose to see our children as spirited, we give them and ourselves hope. It pulls our focus to their strengths rather than their weaknesses, not as another label but as a tool for understanding.”
I love the approach Mary takes. She emphasises that each person is unique and highlights the distinct characteristics in which a young person’s potential is very apparent. Not all young people will possess all characteristics, but each will exhibit enough of them to make them stand out from the crowd.
To give purpose to this week’s article, I would like us to ponder reframing some of our assumptions about our learners so that we can look at the challenges we face from a positive, strengths-based position.
Mary outlines the following ways for reframing the negative aspects of a young person’s personality to a positive trait that enables a strength-based approach.
- Demanding - holds high standards
- Unpredictable - flexible, a problem solver
- Loud - enthusiastic and zestful
- Argumentative - opinionated, committed to goals
- Stubborn - willing to persist against obstacles
- Nosy - curious
- Wild - energetic
- Extreme - tenderhearted
- Inflexible - traditional
- Manipulative - charismatic
- Impatient - compelling
- Anxious - cautious
- Explosive - dramatic
- Picky - selective
- Whiny - analytical
- Distractable - perceptive
This list could go on... I do believe that reframing the negative aspects of a behaviour can greatly help when you are talking your young person through a behavioural issue.
Mary writes on page 31, “The feelings and images the new labels create are totally different from those of lousy labels. It feels good to be the parent of a child who is committed, selective, dramatic, analytical, enthusiastic, and charismatic… Researchers have found that when we hold positive thoughts, it changes our behaviour also. We are more open, tolerant, creative, and as a result, we smile more, give more information, and are more patient.”
One of my strong beliefs as a Head of Junior School is that all behaviour meets a need, whether the behaviour is positive or negative. The more we as adults and grown-ups can direct and frame the responses and the language we use to form a strengths-based, effective and productive action plan for redirecting behaviour, the more our young people see that we are in control of our own behaviour.
Reference: Mary Sheedy Kuricinka, Raising Your Spirited Child (2016), Harper Collins, Pymble, Australia.